Mommy Brain

I think I might be losing my mind. Literally. I used to be able to sit down to write my feelings and have the words flow out of me.  Now it seems like I struggle with what I am feeling and finding the words to describe it.  I just started reading the book, "what mothers do: especially when it looks like nothing" by Naomi Stadlen and I have to say that I am only a few pages in and I have already connected to what she (and the mothers she interviewed) have to say.  Stadlen quotes the author, Susan Griffin, who talks about feeling inarticulate and worrying that people thought she was stupid.  I have always had some trouble recalling particular words in academic conversations, but now it seems to have transferred to my everyday conversations and I feel like a moron.  I end up using circumlocution to get the person I am talking with to help me come up with the word (and yes, I actually use the word circumlocution in my daily life as an ESL teacher...okay I used to use the word, but now I am a SAHM who is losing her academic vocabulary quickly). 

At some point during my pregnancy someone mentioned "mommy brain" to me as I struggled with a word during a conversation.  They promised that it would get better after the pregnancy...that once the baby was out, I wouldn't need to share those brain cells.  I thought that the woman telling me this was way off a bit off on the explanation for why I was feeling lost for words, but I definitely bought into the idea that being pregnant meant forgetfulness.  As time went on more and more moms told me about their "mommy brains" and that it, in fact,did not usually go away with the birth of their child. I guess it makes sense, new moms are sleep deprived and have little time to engage their brain in an academic way.  I was hoping I would be different... (silly, silly me)

So here I am with a blog that was intended to be a vehicle for me to share my thoughts on motherhood and life in general and it takes me flipping forever to write one post.  I sit down to write the post during my son's morning nap, but my brain isn't working right. I don't know what to say or how to describe what I am feeling and I end up typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting. Now S is up and I get to be (actively engaged, computer away) Mom!  A couple hours later S is back down for another nap and I open my computer and start typing again.  I reread what I wrote earlier that day and end up editing or deleting much of it...second guessing my word choice, phrasing, and any attempt at humor.  At this point I start beating myself up for even thinking I should have a blog and that clearly I do not have the gift for writing nor have anything all that important or different to say.  I try to remind myself that I am writing this for me, not anyone else, and that the point is to get the emotion on the "paper" and out of my head.  At this point S is up and it is time to be Mom again.  I am so grateful that he is up because it means I get to have "permission" to not write. I usually don't return to my writing until after S is in bed for the night.  I am pretty clear on what I want to say at this point, despite some concerns that I am not nearly funny enough nor interesting enough to be a blogger, so I get the post finished and hit publish. 

So why do I put myself through this?  I do it because I really want to be a blogger...not to make money writing kind of blogger, but the kind that shares her heart with the world and connects with other people who feel the same way.  At the same time I want this blog to be a way for me to look back at my time as a mom and remember all the things I did with S and the emotions that came with them.  But deep down, I also want this blog because it is a mental challenge right now.  It is forcing me to use this brain of mine in a way that teaching did for me.  I am learning a new set of vocabulary.  I am forced to recall words that I would have used normally on a daily while teaching, but don't get used since I am spending most of my day talking with a 5 month old.  I am growing. 

So yes, I am losing my brain, but through this blog I will be gaining it back.

TTFN
Mommy C

Favorite Moments

I'm BACK!  The last several weeks have been a bit crazy with our trip to California, getting ready for my surgery, and having my mom visit.  Now things are settling down and I am looking forward to getting back into our usual routine.

So here are the main things that have happened in the last 3 weeks.

We flew down to California for our friend's wedding and had a few adventures while we were down there.  My favorite moment was going to Montevina Winery where we got married. (Yes, I realize I said I was going to do a post about my wedding...don't worry I am working on it.)  We brought food from the restaurant that catered our reception and after doing some tastings, we went out to the patio and ate our lunch.  It is still as peaceful and relaxing as I remember it.  Another favorite moment was all the aspects related to the wedding we were there for.  We got to visit with our friends, seeing a few that we hadn't seen in several years, and pretend that we still lived in town.  A sign of good friendship is the ability to get together, after months or years apart, and feel like it was just last weekend.  I am grateful that we have such great friends.

After we returned from California and I had a whole week to think about my upcoming surgery.  A whole week to obsess over anything is dangerous for me.  Needless to say, I ended up with what I thought was a stomach bug, but looking back was probably just my nerves.  Poor S had to deal with a mom that could barely pick him up because I thought I was going to hurl.  We spent a lot of playtime laying down together.

We brought S to the Farmer's Market for the first time.  He seemed to like staring at all the people, but overall I don't think he was too impressed...I kept telling him that he had no idea what he was going to get to enjoy as he gets older and starts eating real food.  There were crepes, enchiladas, pulled pork, samples of every kind of cheese or bread you could imagine...well you get the idea.  Hubby and I did get some food, but we were pushing naptime so after we got our weekly veggies, we had to hurry home so we could put S down for a nap. 

Sunday night (or early Monday morning) my mom flew in from North Carolina.  The surgery was scheduled for Monday morning and she was here to take care of S while I was in surgery and recovering.  So the next morning Hubby and I went to the hospital for my surgery and despite my usual bad luck health wise, the doctor discovered that the injury she was going to fix had healed on it's own!  So rather than needing my mom to help with daily activities around the house, we got to go on a bunch of adventures!  Tuesday we went to the zoo, Wednesday we spent the afternoon at Powell's Books, and Thursday we headed for the beach and to Tillamook for ice cream and cheese.  S came along (obviously) on our adventures, although he still isn't aware enough of the world around him to truly appreciate the animals at the zoo or the ocean.  My mom was supposed to leave today, but her plane was delayed so much that she would have missed her connection so I get to keep her for one more night!!

So what is new with S?  He seems to be growing a lot and he is now wearing mostly 6 month clothing even if they are a little bit big.  His two bottom teeth are still working their way in and he seems to be needing to chew with the sides of his mouth a lot more.  It seems that S and our dog, Clyde, have discovered each other.  Clyde is very patient with him and will sit and let S "pet" him.  S even grabbed a bunch of hair and he just stayed put and let him do it.   He loves to babble...even his crying includes his attempt to babble about one thing or another. I have a very hard time not laughing or smiling with him when he does it if it is time for bed.  He still hasn't learned to roll over on a regular basis...although he does seem to be trying. 

TTFN,

Mommy C

Will all the worrywarts please stand up?

I am a worrier. I worry about things I can control. I worry about things I can't control. I worry about what other people think (when I don't know them and even more when I do).  I worry about what might happen.  I worry about what might not happen.  I...am...a...worrier.

The good news? I am also a problem solver and normally this counter balances all my worry and life is pretty good.  Sometimes though...the worry takes over and I end up physical symptoms of my worry.  I get heartburn, rib pain (doctors call it costochondritis), and an assortment of "stomach issues".

After 3.5 days of what I thought was a mild stomach virus I am beginning to think that it is in fact stress induced because really my only symptom after the first day has been extreme nausea.  Why am I worried? (thanks for asking by the way)  Well, since I am also a list maker, let's put the worries into a list:

• I am having surgery on Monday to repair "damage" done during the birth of my son. 
• My mom is flying across the country, leaving her partner who depends on her help to get through the day, to help me because I won't be able to lift S for a week.  
• S is a teething 4.5 month old that seems to have fits of fussiness that are really hard to handle and I feel guilty about making my mom deal with it.
• This surgery means that I have another 4-6 weeks of recovery before I can exercise again and I miss exercising.
• I am going back to NY for the first time in 4 years and all I keep thinking about is how the "fat" me is going back there, not the "real" me.   
• I started this blog as a creative outlet for myself, but I spend way too much time editing what I write because I fear what people will think...the whole time worrying about how people perceive me.

If I really wanted to get carried away I could add a bunch of "on-going worries" to the list.  You know, the ones about never getting enough housework done and "earning" my keep or even better, the worry that I am not doing something for S that I should be, therefore delaying his development in some way.

Creating a list about all my worries makes me feel really whiny and contrite when there are women that have far worse problems than I do.  Should I add "Guilt Ridden" to the list of worries?

I would like to blame all this worrying on being a mom, but the truth is I have always been and always will be a worrier.  In fact, the worry is like an old friend that keeps my mind busy and my body moving. Sure I would love to have less physical side effects from it, but I don't think I would be me without it all together.

The Queen of the Worrywarts,

Mommy C

My Engagement Story

Way back in April Rebekah, at Mom-In-A-Million, shared her engagement story with all of us via a vlog.  It was a brilliant idea and I decided needed to steal it.  You can check out her story here.
So here is my story (don't mind the cold sore and my overly pale face- it's been a rough week).



Now it is your turn to share your engagement story.  If you have a blog that you will be posting it to, please be sure to let me know!

-Mommy C