Have you seen the Mayonnaise Jar Lesson being passed around Facebook lately? I had heard it before...I think at a conference for college students getting a degree in non-profit management, but I can't be sure (and really it isn't important). It was a lesson that made sense when I heard it, but somewhere between then and yesterday, I had lost track of it. In fact, lately, I have been trying to sort out my priorities and not really getting anywhere. Then someone posted the lesson and a few things became clear to me. Among them? I need to say goodbye to this blog. I have not felt a strong desire to write posts for a while. I thought it was because I had too many other things to do, but really? If it was important to me, I would have made time for it.
As mothers it seems like we have a very limited amount of free time. In the free time, we should be doing something that brings us joy and happiness and rejuvenates us so that when we go back to our kids, we are more sane than when we left. This blog did that for me many, many times.
In fact, this blog started as a way for me to connect to other people, to share my story, to get advice, and to attempt to make sense of the changes I was going through. While I still don't have most of the answers, what I do have is a wonderful set of friends that I see on a regular basis, that provide support and comfort unconditionally. It wasn't until I read the Mayonnaise Jar Lesson that it occurred to me that maybe the reason I haven't wanted to write posts lately is because most of my needs are being met elsewhere. This does not lessen what I have gotten from all of you. Your advice and encouragement has meant the world to me. It is merely an interesting ah ha moment.
So all of this made me ask myself, "What will bring me joy?" and the answer I found is that I want to learn more about photography. I don't know what that is going to look like exactly, but I have been taking a class at the local community college and I have signed up for a couple workshops in the next couple months. When I grab my camera and am able to create a picture exactly how I envisioned it, I am overjoyed! When I am able to share those pictures with my friends and family, I feel proud. This is what I need to be doing in my free time.
So for my final question to all of you, what brings you joy? What are the things that you want to make time for because they give you what you need (on a regular basis) so that you can be a better mom?
NOTE: I am keeping my Facebook page and Twitter account open and will continue to post on them.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Needing a Parenting Reboot
I don't think I am "supposed to" admit this, but I have not been enjoying parenting my 2 year old lately. Everything requires more talking, more energy, and more time than it has in the past. If you have a toddler, you likely know what I mean.
On particularly "special" days things to go this way:
He wants a snack? First I have to decide WHAT he wants to eat. I usually give 2-3 options. Then he decides WHERE we are going to have the snack (upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside, at the table, in a snack trap), then we have to decide if he is going to HELP or not, then we have to decide what CONTAINER to put it in, and finally there tends to be a particular way that he wants it prepared (banana in or out of the peel, cheese cubed or in strips, apple cut up or whole).
Take this same level of decision making and apply it to every.single.thing I do all.day.long. And you have a typical tough day in my home.
Some of you are probably thinking that you would never give your child so much control. You are probably thinking that you would pick a snack, hand it to your child, and that would be it. Either you don't have a toddler or if you do, you are the luckiest person on the face of the earth. Don't get me wrong. Everyday isn't like this. But there are days, man, are there days, when he is taking being a "terrible two" seriously, when it is way easier to give him a voice in the decision making than to deal with the tantrum afterward.
I was really starting to get down on myself. I wasn't looking forward to playing with him and especially not looking forward to playing trains or cars for the 50th time that day and I thought that made me a bad mom. But then I realized something. I don't actually have to like everything that he likes. I know that sounds obvious when I say it, but it really hadn't occurred to me before. Part of my job as a mom is to play with my kid and to love it, right? Not exactly. I think I should want to spend time with my kid. I think that most of the time I can find activities that don't drive either one of us insane. And the rest of the time? Well I don't have a solution for the rest of the time. Grin and bear it, I suppose.
So given my level of exhaustion with these particular type of days, there have been several moments lately where I have not been too proud of my parenting skills. I have snapped at him when I was trying to finish something and he got in the way. I have spent too much time on Facebook when I should have been playing with him. I have told him "in a minute" too many times so that I could finish what I was doing, even if it wasn't that important or crucial that I finish it then. Finally, I have had too many days where I am overly grateful for nap time and bedtime.
I knew that the only way out of this rut was to look at the things in a new way...focusing on the things that were going well. So I started writing down the things I am proud of, with regard to parenting It was an amazing experience. At first, I stated the easy ones.
Then I started thinking about the tough things I do as a parent...
On particularly "special" days things to go this way:
He wants a snack? First I have to decide WHAT he wants to eat. I usually give 2-3 options. Then he decides WHERE we are going to have the snack (upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside, at the table, in a snack trap), then we have to decide if he is going to HELP or not, then we have to decide what CONTAINER to put it in, and finally there tends to be a particular way that he wants it prepared (banana in or out of the peel, cheese cubed or in strips, apple cut up or whole).
Take this same level of decision making and apply it to every.single.thing I do all.day.long. And you have a typical tough day in my home.
Some of you are probably thinking that you would never give your child so much control. You are probably thinking that you would pick a snack, hand it to your child, and that would be it. Either you don't have a toddler or if you do, you are the luckiest person on the face of the earth. Don't get me wrong. Everyday isn't like this. But there are days, man, are there days, when he is taking being a "terrible two" seriously, when it is way easier to give him a voice in the decision making than to deal with the tantrum afterward.
I was really starting to get down on myself. I wasn't looking forward to playing with him and especially not looking forward to playing trains or cars for the 50th time that day and I thought that made me a bad mom. But then I realized something. I don't actually have to like everything that he likes. I know that sounds obvious when I say it, but it really hadn't occurred to me before. Part of my job as a mom is to play with my kid and to love it, right? Not exactly. I think I should want to spend time with my kid. I think that most of the time I can find activities that don't drive either one of us insane. And the rest of the time? Well I don't have a solution for the rest of the time. Grin and bear it, I suppose.
So given my level of exhaustion with these particular type of days, there have been several moments lately where I have not been too proud of my parenting skills. I have snapped at him when I was trying to finish something and he got in the way. I have spent too much time on Facebook when I should have been playing with him. I have told him "in a minute" too many times so that I could finish what I was doing, even if it wasn't that important or crucial that I finish it then. Finally, I have had too many days where I am overly grateful for nap time and bedtime.
I knew that the only way out of this rut was to look at the things in a new way...focusing on the things that were going well. So I started writing down the things I am proud of, with regard to parenting It was an amazing experience. At first, I stated the easy ones.
- I remember to tell him that I love him throughout the day (and not just when he has done something good).
- I give him hugs and kisses every time the opportunity arises.
- I model playing creatively and I encourage him to play along.
- We go outside almost every chance we get.
- I include him in the things I do around the house.
- I don't forget to get really silly with him at least a couple of times a day.
- I give him jobs so that he feels useful and experiences the success in accomplishing a task.
- I have nurtured his love for reading by having books accessible to him and we read books together several times a day.
- I make him clean up his toys (most of the time).
- I have begun to feed him real food as often as I can (95% of the time). How can I let him grow up without goldfish crackers?
- Sometimes, even when we are in a rush, we stop everything and just cuddle. My favorite time to do this is getting in and out of the car. Why? Because it makes a remarkable difference in reducing my crankiness in those rushed moments.
Then I started thinking about the tough things I do as a parent...
- When he goes into tantrum mode, most of the time I remember to meet him where he is. I give him hugs, use kid language to describe what I think he wants, get him to take a deep breath, and then we talk about what we need to do instead.
- When I sense a struggle coming on, I give him two-three choices so he feels like he has some control.
- When he starts to whine for something, I remind him to "try again" and ask me the correct way.
- I tell him "no", I tell him "yes", and I tell him "ABSOLUTELY". However, I also tell him, "in a minute", "after I finish ___", and "maybe later" so he begins to learn about being patient.
- We have found a discipline system that works for us (right now) and is predictable for him.
- I exercise regularly and he is part of that routine.
- I model using "please" and "thank you" and remind him to use them as well.
- I love my husband and we are appropriately affectionate in front of the kids.
- I am not afraid to show him a full range of emotions, but I be sure to use words to describe how I am feeling so that he understands. I use these opportunities to model how to recover from a bad mood or how to embrace the happy times.
- It took me a while, but I found hobbies that didn't involve him. I think it is important that he sees that I have interests outside of being mom.
- I admit when I have made a mistake.
Monday, January 30, 2012
A rough patch in my SCD world.
I have not blogged. I have so much to say and no time to say it. I also don't seem to have time to clean my house, but that is another rant.
What am I doing that is taking up all my time? Well, being a mom first and foremost. But the reason that I feel like there is no time in my life for anything that I used to do? Well, that would be because I now live in the kitchen. And if that wasn't enough, just when I got into a groove with what I ate, life through me a curve ball.
About a week ago I started to not feel so great. Some of my old symptoms were creeping back into my life and I couldn't figure out why. My gastroenterologist had given me info on FODMAP and after looking that over, I thought that maybe I was eating too much fructose. Apples were a staple in my diet, so I decided to remove them first. I felt okay for a couple of days, but then the symptoms returned and today was the worst day yet.
In fact, I hit a real low today. Not only was I feeling sick and completely exhausted, I was mad at the universe. I was not supposed to be feeling sick anymore! Why am I doing all of this cooking, all of this modifying of my diet, if it isn't going to do any good? In fact, I was so frustrated, I almost went out and bought a pack of M&Ms and a diet coke. But I didn't.
The only thing that kept me from cheating today was that tomorrow is January 31st. Tomorrow, I will have done the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for one whole month. And if today I cheat? I would be pissed at myself. So I didn't cheat.
Instead I am making muffins. Scrumptious blueberry muffins from the Eat Well, Feel Well cookbook (a cookbook that has so many good recipes that I would still eat the food even if I wasn't on the diet). I am also regrouping with some research. It turns out that it isn't all that uncommon to have relapses in the beginning. As far as I can tell, there is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some think it could be because people are eating things they aren't supposed to and don't realize it (whether it be through contamination or just not realizing a food is illegal). I am pretty sure that isn't my case, but I won't rule it out. I am going to watch my fructose intake and limit my apples, raisins, and honey. I am not going to eliminate them yet though because emotionally, I don't think I can go another week without an apple (anyone that knows me well knows that apples and cheese is my favorite snack).
Most importantly, I need to remember that I was feeling better. Although the bloating hadn't completely gone away, it was gone most of the time. I have had a lot more energy and I stopped feeling swollen and inflamed. These results are great steps to my overall health and I need to remind myself that I am in this for the long haul...no throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
What am I doing that is taking up all my time? Well, being a mom first and foremost. But the reason that I feel like there is no time in my life for anything that I used to do? Well, that would be because I now live in the kitchen. And if that wasn't enough, just when I got into a groove with what I ate, life through me a curve ball.
About a week ago I started to not feel so great. Some of my old symptoms were creeping back into my life and I couldn't figure out why. My gastroenterologist had given me info on FODMAP and after looking that over, I thought that maybe I was eating too much fructose. Apples were a staple in my diet, so I decided to remove them first. I felt okay for a couple of days, but then the symptoms returned and today was the worst day yet.
In fact, I hit a real low today. Not only was I feeling sick and completely exhausted, I was mad at the universe. I was not supposed to be feeling sick anymore! Why am I doing all of this cooking, all of this modifying of my diet, if it isn't going to do any good? In fact, I was so frustrated, I almost went out and bought a pack of M&Ms and a diet coke. But I didn't.
The only thing that kept me from cheating today was that tomorrow is January 31st. Tomorrow, I will have done the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for one whole month. And if today I cheat? I would be pissed at myself. So I didn't cheat.
Instead I am making muffins. Scrumptious blueberry muffins from the Eat Well, Feel Well cookbook (a cookbook that has so many good recipes that I would still eat the food even if I wasn't on the diet). I am also regrouping with some research. It turns out that it isn't all that uncommon to have relapses in the beginning. As far as I can tell, there is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some think it could be because people are eating things they aren't supposed to and don't realize it (whether it be through contamination or just not realizing a food is illegal). I am pretty sure that isn't my case, but I won't rule it out. I am going to watch my fructose intake and limit my apples, raisins, and honey. I am not going to eliminate them yet though because emotionally, I don't think I can go another week without an apple (anyone that knows me well knows that apples and cheese is my favorite snack).
Most importantly, I need to remember that I was feeling better. Although the bloating hadn't completely gone away, it was gone most of the time. I have had a lot more energy and I stopped feeling swollen and inflamed. These results are great steps to my overall health and I need to remind myself that I am in this for the long haul...no throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
Monday, January 16, 2012
A New Approach To My Health
A friend of mine posted a link to this article, "11 Integrative Medicine Breakthroughs Of 2011" a little while ago on Facebook. Most of the items seem like common sense to me, but I am glad that they are formally recognizing that yoga helps bad backs and acupuncture is safe for kids. The article also introduced me to the term CAM. It stands for Complementary and Alternative Medicine.
Turns out I have used some forms of CAM for several years. I managed my depression with acupuncture while trying to get pregnant and the first trimesters with Superman, as well as the days leading up to my induction with Mr. T. I have done yoga to help my flexibility and increase my core strength when my back was hurting me. I take an amino acid to avoid getting cold sores when I go to the mountains (but apparently I didn't take enough a couple weeks ago because I ended up with 2 after our tubing trip). I used a chiropractor for my lower back pain during the pregnancy and then Mr. T received craniosacral treatments shortly after he was born.
It wasn't until recently that I decided to take it a step further. As most of you know, I am on a journey to feel better. It started just as weight gain, but as I continued to try and figure out what was going on, my therapist recommended "Intuitive Eating". As I began to pay more attention to how I felt before, during, and after eating, I began to realize that I was feeling pretty crummy. Actually, more than crummy. I was downright sick and had no idea.
The logical thing to do would be to my primary care physician. When I decided that I didn't want to do that because of my lack of help in the past from her, I knew I needed to change primary care physicians (and am in the process of doing that but am not having much luck). I also knew that maybe I needed to look at alternative medicine for the answer...so I began researching naturopathy, found a naturopath (ND), and met with her. (I did end up at my old primary care physician's office so that I could get lab work paid for through my insurance. The nurse practioner gave me a flier on how to lose weight and circled the walk at least 10,000 steps a day after I had just finished telling her that I walk between 11,500-13,000 steps a day on average.)
All I can say is that for the first time in a really long time, I have felt truly heard when I talked about my medical issues. I wasn't looked down upon, I wasn't ridiculed for thinking that something else might be going on despite the lack of evidence at the time, I was listened to because I am the expert of me. What a concept!
So I have been working with my Naturopath for just over two months and have not only learned why I feel like crud, but how to fix it....for good. I have been complaining to my "regular" doctors for years and been told nothing is wrong with me or that I just need to take x pill for 10 days and then I would be better. It infuriates me that mainstream practitioners are so quick to blow patients off just because their lab results are within the normal range.
Now if I could just find a regular physician that works well with naturopaths, I would be golden.
Turns out I have used some forms of CAM for several years. I managed my depression with acupuncture while trying to get pregnant and the first trimesters with Superman, as well as the days leading up to my induction with Mr. T. I have done yoga to help my flexibility and increase my core strength when my back was hurting me. I take an amino acid to avoid getting cold sores when I go to the mountains (but apparently I didn't take enough a couple weeks ago because I ended up with 2 after our tubing trip). I used a chiropractor for my lower back pain during the pregnancy and then Mr. T received craniosacral treatments shortly after he was born.
It wasn't until recently that I decided to take it a step further. As most of you know, I am on a journey to feel better. It started just as weight gain, but as I continued to try and figure out what was going on, my therapist recommended "Intuitive Eating". As I began to pay more attention to how I felt before, during, and after eating, I began to realize that I was feeling pretty crummy. Actually, more than crummy. I was downright sick and had no idea.
The logical thing to do would be to my primary care physician. When I decided that I didn't want to do that because of my lack of help in the past from her, I knew I needed to change primary care physicians (and am in the process of doing that but am not having much luck). I also knew that maybe I needed to look at alternative medicine for the answer...so I began researching naturopathy, found a naturopath (ND), and met with her. (I did end up at my old primary care physician's office so that I could get lab work paid for through my insurance. The nurse practioner gave me a flier on how to lose weight and circled the walk at least 10,000 steps a day after I had just finished telling her that I walk between 11,500-13,000 steps a day on average.)
All I can say is that for the first time in a really long time, I have felt truly heard when I talked about my medical issues. I wasn't looked down upon, I wasn't ridiculed for thinking that something else might be going on despite the lack of evidence at the time, I was listened to because I am the expert of me. What a concept!
So I have been working with my Naturopath for just over two months and have not only learned why I feel like crud, but how to fix it....for good. I have been complaining to my "regular" doctors for years and been told nothing is wrong with me or that I just need to take x pill for 10 days and then I would be better. It infuriates me that mainstream practitioners are so quick to blow patients off just because their lab results are within the normal range.
Now if I could just find a regular physician that works well with naturopaths, I would be golden.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
SCD Diet: One week down!
(Day 7 of 182)
I am doing pretty well! I do not feel like I normally do on a diet where everything I "shouldn't have" is what I am craving. Instead I am craving things like nuts, raw energy balls, and havarti cheese (it is so creamy!). Last night, despite my thought that I wouldn't be able to have pizza for 6 months, I had SCD pizza. I used almond flour, eggs, olive oil, and salt....and it was delicious!! I have had fun trying out different sausages (from the butchers at Whole Foods and New Seasons) and have decided that I really don't like all the non-Italian sausages and that I like the sausages from Whole Foods better.
Overall I am feeling pretty good too. I have more energy and my mood has been pretty good. I have had to adjust my coffee intake because the increased amount of caffeine (compared to soda) was causing my anxiety to act up. I am experiencing some bacterial die-off symptoms during the middle of the day (and one day it was morning through mid-afternoon -not a great day). Thankfully it isn't terribly bad though and I feel like maybe I am over the hump because yesterday was the best day yet.
Also on a plus side, I am down 3 pounds for the week. I have no idea if that is the result of the thyroid meds or the diet though and really, there is no way to know. Frankly, I don't really care what is causing me to lose weight, I am just glad that I am. (*My current goal is to feel better, not to lose weight. I am not counting calories or watching my fat intake because that would just be too hard while learning a new diet.)
The challenges I have faced primarily revolve around finding time to prepare the foods I am going to eat. Superman does a great job playing on his own when I am feeding Mr. T or putting him to sleep, so the times that I am not doing that he really needs to have my attention and nap times haven't been going well lately. I have tried to include him in the making of the food which I think will be key going forward. Today is going to be a small challenge. We are having Superman's 2nd birthday party and there will be cupcakes. I love cupcakes. My plan is to avoid touching them all together. That way I don't have to resist the urge to lick my fingers. Speaking of licking...I am becoming more and more aware of how many little bites/licks/nibbles I took from Superman's food before. I keep catching myself about to eat some "illegal" food!! I guess the good news is that I am catching myself.
So there you have it. Not too shabby for the first week!
I am doing pretty well! I do not feel like I normally do on a diet where everything I "shouldn't have" is what I am craving. Instead I am craving things like nuts, raw energy balls, and havarti cheese (it is so creamy!). Last night, despite my thought that I wouldn't be able to have pizza for 6 months, I had SCD pizza. I used almond flour, eggs, olive oil, and salt....and it was delicious!! I have had fun trying out different sausages (from the butchers at Whole Foods and New Seasons) and have decided that I really don't like all the non-Italian sausages and that I like the sausages from Whole Foods better.
Overall I am feeling pretty good too. I have more energy and my mood has been pretty good. I have had to adjust my coffee intake because the increased amount of caffeine (compared to soda) was causing my anxiety to act up. I am experiencing some bacterial die-off symptoms during the middle of the day (and one day it was morning through mid-afternoon -not a great day). Thankfully it isn't terribly bad though and I feel like maybe I am over the hump because yesterday was the best day yet.
Also on a plus side, I am down 3 pounds for the week. I have no idea if that is the result of the thyroid meds or the diet though and really, there is no way to know. Frankly, I don't really care what is causing me to lose weight, I am just glad that I am. (*My current goal is to feel better, not to lose weight. I am not counting calories or watching my fat intake because that would just be too hard while learning a new diet.)
The challenges I have faced primarily revolve around finding time to prepare the foods I am going to eat. Superman does a great job playing on his own when I am feeding Mr. T or putting him to sleep, so the times that I am not doing that he really needs to have my attention and nap times haven't been going well lately. I have tried to include him in the making of the food which I think will be key going forward. Today is going to be a small challenge. We are having Superman's 2nd birthday party and there will be cupcakes. I love cupcakes. My plan is to avoid touching them all together. That way I don't have to resist the urge to lick my fingers. Speaking of licking...I am becoming more and more aware of how many little bites/licks/nibbles I took from Superman's food before. I keep catching myself about to eat some "illegal" food!! I guess the good news is that I am catching myself.
So there you have it. Not too shabby for the first week!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Last Meal
Many people I know have made the new year resolution to lose weight, get healthier, get stronger, or run in X race. While I don't typically make resolutions, it seems 2012 is going to be about all of those things for me.
Tomorrow I start the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. The diet is not for weight loss, it is for healing my small intestine. However, it is my hope that as it begins to heal and my body becomes better at absorbing nutrients, it will be easier for me to reach the rest of my goals.
In the past when I have started a diet, I have tried to avoid the "last meal" temptation. If my goal is to truly lose the weight, then 1) I shouldn't be eating enormous amounts of calories now and 2) I want to be able to sustain the "diet" so I always had the plan to work my favorite "unhealthy" foods into my eating. Unfortunately, this diet isn't that flexible. There are foods that are legal and foods that are illegal and a few foods that aren't legal till later, but for the most part it is black and white.
So when I decided that I wasn't going to start the diet till January 1st, I had two many reasons for waiting. 1) I needed time to prepare and 2) I wanted to enjoy my favorite "illegal" foods a few more times. The last several weeks have been packed with eating whatever I wanted, no matter how unhealthy it was.
On the list? Cookies, chocolate, and M&Ms mostly. About a week ago I realized that I wouldn't be able to have beer either so I have enjoyed several beers this week. Then last night we headed to Hopworks Urban Brewery for a "last meal" consisting of their awesome pizza and beer. It was a perfect way to end these few weeks of gluttony. While I am not sure it would my real "last meal" of choice, it was exactly what I was looking for.
So if you were to have a "last meal" before a specialized diet like mine, what would it be?
Tomorrow I start the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. The diet is not for weight loss, it is for healing my small intestine. However, it is my hope that as it begins to heal and my body becomes better at absorbing nutrients, it will be easier for me to reach the rest of my goals.
In the past when I have started a diet, I have tried to avoid the "last meal" temptation. If my goal is to truly lose the weight, then 1) I shouldn't be eating enormous amounts of calories now and 2) I want to be able to sustain the "diet" so I always had the plan to work my favorite "unhealthy" foods into my eating. Unfortunately, this diet isn't that flexible. There are foods that are legal and foods that are illegal and a few foods that aren't legal till later, but for the most part it is black and white.
So when I decided that I wasn't going to start the diet till January 1st, I had two many reasons for waiting. 1) I needed time to prepare and 2) I wanted to enjoy my favorite "illegal" foods a few more times. The last several weeks have been packed with eating whatever I wanted, no matter how unhealthy it was.
On the list? Cookies, chocolate, and M&Ms mostly. About a week ago I realized that I wouldn't be able to have beer either so I have enjoyed several beers this week. Then last night we headed to Hopworks Urban Brewery for a "last meal" consisting of their awesome pizza and beer. It was a perfect way to end these few weeks of gluttony. While I am not sure it would my real "last meal" of choice, it was exactly what I was looking for.
So if you were to have a "last meal" before a specialized diet like mine, what would it be?
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Save Me from the Post Christmas Celebration Explosion!
Okay, I am ready for Christmas to be over now. I am ready to take down the tree, put away the decorations, and to have my home back. Normally I want to hold onto the "Christmas feel" for as long as possible. Last year I think I even convinced my husband to leave up the snowmen (that I am addicted to buying) till after Superman's birthday party because I wasn't ready for them to be put away. But this year? I am done.
I think part of the reason is that I now have a toddler. Toddlers take up more space than most people and it isn't just because they have more stuff. Superman likes to spread everything out nice and wide when playing with it. Downstairs that means that when playing blocks, every single one of them are out and on my floor and since my Christmas tree is also taking up a large portion of my living room, I feel like I can't walk anywhere without stepping on a toy. He also likes to lay down when he is playing with certain toys (as do most toddlers, I suppose) and that just means more surface area of my floor is gone. Add in two giant dogs, a baby, a baby's toys (including a play gym and exersaucer), and I really don't have any space to walk around my own living room. I want my living room back!!!!!!
I feel like the weeks leading up to Christmas result in us throwing out our usual routine to celebrate the season (or do thinks in preparation of those celebrations). Now, post Christmas celebration explosion, I just want to get back into our usual routine...back into our groove, if you will. Our usual routine of going to Baby Boot Camp is out since there are no classes this week, so that leaves us at home, surrounded by toys and decorations and holiday chaos.
I'm not the only one feeling the holiday hangover*, I posted on Facebook yesterday that Superman was VERY moody and on my personal page I posted this:
For people with school age children, I now understand why so many of you can't wait for school to start back up. It isn't so much that you don't want your kids around or to spend the time with them, you are just seeking your normal routine to return for the sanity of both you and your kids.
So what do you do to get things to "return to normal" even when "normal" can't be achieved until after the new year? Me? Well I am going to start by taking down all the decorations. Till next time....
Devan from Accustomed Chaos posted an article called 7 Signs Your Dealing with "After Holiday Aftermath" that I read after I had already started this post. I was sure she was going to have the same complaints as I, but her post has a little different twist. Go check it out!
I think part of the reason is that I now have a toddler. Toddlers take up more space than most people and it isn't just because they have more stuff. Superman likes to spread everything out nice and wide when playing with it. Downstairs that means that when playing blocks, every single one of them are out and on my floor and since my Christmas tree is also taking up a large portion of my living room, I feel like I can't walk anywhere without stepping on a toy. He also likes to lay down when he is playing with certain toys (as do most toddlers, I suppose) and that just means more surface area of my floor is gone. Add in two giant dogs, a baby, a baby's toys (including a play gym and exersaucer), and I really don't have any space to walk around my own living room. I want my living room back!!!!!!
I feel like the weeks leading up to Christmas result in us throwing out our usual routine to celebrate the season (or do thinks in preparation of those celebrations). Now, post Christmas celebration explosion, I just want to get back into our usual routine...back into our groove, if you will. Our usual routine of going to Baby Boot Camp is out since there are no classes this week, so that leaves us at home, surrounded by toys and decorations and holiday chaos.
I'm not the only one feeling the holiday hangover*, I posted on Facebook yesterday that Superman was VERY moody and on my personal page I posted this:
S wants me to play with him, but tells me "no" every time I touch a toy, T is exhausted and almost inconsolable, and Clyde is barking at the wind. Stick a fork in me, I am done.There were several people who let me know that they were in similar boats. Then I began to see other people post that their kids were "off" and were desperate for things to return to normal asap. One friend called it the "holiday grouchy" and another wished she could bring back her "elf on the shelf".
For people with school age children, I now understand why so many of you can't wait for school to start back up. It isn't so much that you don't want your kids around or to spend the time with them, you are just seeking your normal routine to return for the sanity of both you and your kids.
So what do you do to get things to "return to normal" even when "normal" can't be achieved until after the new year? Me? Well I am going to start by taking down all the decorations. Till next time....
Devan from Accustomed Chaos posted an article called 7 Signs Your Dealing with "After Holiday Aftermath" that I read after I had already started this post. I was sure she was going to have the same complaints as I, but her post has a little different twist. Go check it out!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Operation Happier Baby and Momma
I feed Mr. T almost every two hours during the day. He nurses at 7:30 before going to bed, gets a bottle at 11:30 from my husband, and then still will wake 2-3 times more that night. This is not working for me, but what are you going to do? I have a big baby and he needs to eat a lot, right? Well, today I learned that he does need to eat more, but maybe we can do something so he isn't needing to do the eating at night.
This problem solving started when I called the doctor because he started spitting up again. He has gained 1.5 lbs since our 4 month appointment, so I thought maybe he needed his acid reflux meds adjusted. The nurse did the usual discussion about my diet (and as you all know I am not adding things to my diet, but rather taking things away) and his eating/sleeping patterns. She is convinced it can be better than it is...it just may take some tweeking.
So here is the initial plan:
This problem solving started when I called the doctor because he started spitting up again. He has gained 1.5 lbs since our 4 month appointment, so I thought maybe he needed his acid reflux meds adjusted. The nurse did the usual discussion about my diet (and as you all know I am not adding things to my diet, but rather taking things away) and his eating/sleeping patterns. She is convinced it can be better than it is...it just may take some tweeking.
So here is the initial plan:
- When he wakes up in the morning give him solids before nursing him. (If he wakes up at 6 I can still nurse him and put him back to bed, but when I get him up for the day I should do solids first.
- Increase his solid intake from two times a day to three and always have either rice or oatmeal as part of the meal. She prefers the rice cereal because she said it is easier on the stomach. This was not the case with Superman, but T is so different than S so I will try it. The idea is that the rice/oatmeal will be heavier in his stomach and hopefully keep him from spitting up. (I am making my own per the directions in Super Baby Food.)
- Work on getting "good" feedings during the day. (Meaning: quiet room with minimal distractions and let him tell me when he is done.) This will be difficult with a toddler, but is something I have already been working on.
- If he wakes up in the middle of the night, try to get him to go back to sleep without eating. However, if he is hungry- feed him. Hopefully after a few days he will stop being hungry and we will just need to break him of the habit of waking.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
What's wrong with Mommy C?
Back in November I talked about trying to figure out why I wasn't losing weight...in fact, I was gaining weight! I am not a fan of my current primary care physician. She doesn't seem to really care about figuring out what is wrong with me. I don't know if she doesn't believe me when I say I don't feel good or just isn't good at her job, but I am done dealing with her. Unfortunately, I can't get into my doctor's office for an initial visit till late December. I decided to see a naturopath in the meantime to at least get the ball rolling. Now that I have gotten a bunch of tests done, here is what I learned.*
-My thyroid is totally wonky. My TSH and T4 are low. My T3 is mid-range. So not really hypothyroidism, but not really not either. Confused? Yeah, me too. Apparently a normal profile for hypothyroidism would be low TSH and low T4, with a mid-range T3. We are going to try some T4 meds and see what happens. We will start slow and see what happens.**
-I do not have Hashimoto's Disease! We did the test for antibodies and were ecstatic to learn that this is not my problem. I had an autoimmune disease when I was little so that makes me more prone to one now (and in the future). I forget why the doctor thinks this (an autoimmune disease) is part of my problem. She is recommending that I go on a gluten free diet. I don't fully understand the connection between gluten and autoimmune diseases, but it is something that I will explore in the months to come.
-I have Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO)...or rather, I had SIBO back about 5 years ago and although I took antibiotics at the time and felt better, it is something that can continue to come back over and over again if you don't fix what caused it. I could go through the 3 hour breath test again, but it is probably a waste of time. In my case, the cause has to do with a lack of acid in my stomach (which is also the cause of my acid reflux). The lack of this acid results in food not being digested enough in the stomach and bacteria entering the small intestine and chowing down on it (or something like this). This is the likely cause for feeling like crud. Thankfully there is a solution. It has three parts and unfortunately, it will not be easy.
Anyone else ever have to go a new diet that seemed really daunting? I would love to hear from you.
*Because my insurance only covers my appointments with the naturopath and nothing else, I ended up cringing my way through another appointment with my primary doctor. It was awful, but at least I got the tests I need done. **I am sure there is a better medical description of this, but this is what I retained during the crazy whirlwind of appointments.
-My thyroid is totally wonky. My TSH and T4 are low. My T3 is mid-range. So not really hypothyroidism, but not really not either. Confused? Yeah, me too. Apparently a normal profile for hypothyroidism would be low TSH and low T4, with a mid-range T3. We are going to try some T4 meds and see what happens. We will start slow and see what happens.**
-I do not have Hashimoto's Disease! We did the test for antibodies and were ecstatic to learn that this is not my problem. I had an autoimmune disease when I was little so that makes me more prone to one now (and in the future). I forget why the doctor thinks this (an autoimmune disease) is part of my problem. She is recommending that I go on a gluten free diet. I don't fully understand the connection between gluten and autoimmune diseases, but it is something that I will explore in the months to come.
-I have Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO)...or rather, I had SIBO back about 5 years ago and although I took antibiotics at the time and felt better, it is something that can continue to come back over and over again if you don't fix what caused it. I could go through the 3 hour breath test again, but it is probably a waste of time. In my case, the cause has to do with a lack of acid in my stomach (which is also the cause of my acid reflux). The lack of this acid results in food not being digested enough in the stomach and bacteria entering the small intestine and chowing down on it (or something like this). This is the likely cause for feeling like crud. Thankfully there is a solution. It has three parts and unfortunately, it will not be easy.
- Go back on antibiotics. This will kill the bacteria that are there now. (okay, that part is easy)
- Fix the acid levels in my stomach. I will take stomach acid and pancreatic enzymes to fix it every single time I eat. (Mildly difficult since I have to remember to take them and quite expensive.)
- Change my diet for a minimum of 6 months and heal the lining of my small intestine. I will follow the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for 6 months. At the end I will slowly add foods back into my diet one at a time (very similar to how you introduce solids with a baby) to ensure that each food doesn't bring my symptoms back. It is likely that there will be foods that cause a reaction and I will never be able to eat them again. (OMG this is going to be SO hard!!!)
Anyone else ever have to go a new diet that seemed really daunting? I would love to hear from you.
*Because my insurance only covers my appointments with the naturopath and nothing else, I ended up cringing my way through another appointment with my primary doctor. It was awful, but at least I got the tests I need done. **I am sure there is a better medical description of this, but this is what I retained during the crazy whirlwind of appointments.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
5 Easy Steps to Making New Holiday Traditions
The holiday season is upon us!! Since we are a family with few traditions for the season, my husband and I decided to start some of our own.
The idea I am going to share with you today originated from Once Upon A Family (OUAF) and their November workshop in the Family Holidays Monthly Workshop kit. I made some modifications so that it works for us though (instead of it only being tasks that need to be completed anyway, we have included fun things that we want to do as a family).
Step 1:
Buy an advent calendar that allows you to put a small card in each compartment. There are lots of choices out there. You can buy something that hangs on the wall or one that is wooden (like ours). If you buy a wooden one, it is helpful to find one that has equal sized compartments or at least ones that will fit your card for the activity of the day. You would be surprised how many I saw that wouldn't work because of different sized compartments.
Step 2:
Identify 24 family activities that you would like to do before Christmas. To make the season less overwhelming, think of the things that you are doing already and add them to the list. The OUAF kit suggested including tasks like mailing Christmas cards so that your kids are included in all that you do. We didn't do that because our kids are too young right now.
Here are our 24 activities:
Step 3:
Identify the days that you want to do each activity. My brilliant husband created a shared calendar in Google just for this. We already share our Google calendars with each other so this worked out really well. Why do this? Just in case someone gets their hands on the calendar and removes of all the cards, it is a good idea to know when you were planning to do each activity so they can be put back correctly. It is also nice to have it on your calendar so you don't have to keep opening up the little doors to figure out what you are doing the next day.
Step 4:
Write each activity on a card and place it into calendar. I found little gift tags that fit perfectly. I took the little string off them, wrote down the activity inside, and placed it in the box. If you want to get really fancy you can print each activity out with a printer and put them on some nice card stock.
Step 5:
Implement activities. Remember to be present when you are doing the activities. Turn off distractions (ex. phones, computers or tvs) and put any other tasks aside so that you can really focus on spending time with your loved ones. Feel free to take pictures, but don't let the picture taking become more important than the activity itself (I need this reminder on occasion).
While there is some work initially to plan it all out, each consecutive year should be easier. We will make some tweeks here and there so that the activities are age appropriate. Also, our goal is to add more activities that involve acts of kindness and service as the kids get older (ex. donating toys, food, clothing or making treats for the folks at the nursing home that don't have family). However, many of the activities will be done each and every year, creating some fabulous family memories along the way!
What family traditions did you cherish growing up? Which did you continue with your children? Do you have any new family traditions? I would love to hear from you!
The idea I am going to share with you today originated from Once Upon A Family (OUAF) and their November workshop in the Family Holidays Monthly Workshop kit. I made some modifications so that it works for us though (instead of it only being tasks that need to be completed anyway, we have included fun things that we want to do as a family).
Step 2:
Identify 24 family activities that you would like to do before Christmas. To make the season less overwhelming, think of the things that you are doing already and add them to the list. The OUAF kit suggested including tasks like mailing Christmas cards so that your kids are included in all that you do. We didn't do that because our kids are too young right now.
Here are our 24 activities:
- Make a hand wreath with everyone's hands. (And introduce the Advent calendar.)
- Christmas coloring - we have a Christmas coloring book that Superman will get to color in.
- Go to Powell's books and pick out a new book.
- Make Christmas cookies
- Sing Christmas carols
- Go to CHAP and make gifts for Grandparents
- Make Paper Chains
- Watch personalized video from Santa (from Portable North Pole)
- Watch "Charlie Brown Christmas"
- Get Christmas tree
- Decorate Christmas tree
- Go to Zoo Lights
- Decorate cookies
- Have a picnic dinner by the Christmas tree
- Watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
- Cookies With Santa at Children's Musuem
- Decorate Gingerbread house (my husband's employer is putting on this activity)
- Watch "Frosty The Snowman"
- Go see Christmas lights
- Read "Night Before Christmas" as a family (we will read it other nights, but this will be the first reading of it)
- Drink hot chocolate and read books by the fireplace
- Go to the snow!
- Watch "Santa Claus is Coming To Town"
- Put out cookies and milk for Santa
Identify the days that you want to do each activity. My brilliant husband created a shared calendar in Google just for this. We already share our Google calendars with each other so this worked out really well. Why do this? Just in case someone gets their hands on the calendar and removes of all the cards, it is a good idea to know when you were planning to do each activity so they can be put back correctly. It is also nice to have it on your calendar so you don't have to keep opening up the little doors to figure out what you are doing the next day.
Write each activity on a card and place it into calendar. I found little gift tags that fit perfectly. I took the little string off them, wrote down the activity inside, and placed it in the box. If you want to get really fancy you can print each activity out with a printer and put them on some nice card stock.
Implement activities. Remember to be present when you are doing the activities. Turn off distractions (ex. phones, computers or tvs) and put any other tasks aside so that you can really focus on spending time with your loved ones. Feel free to take pictures, but don't let the picture taking become more important than the activity itself (I need this reminder on occasion).
***************
While there is some work initially to plan it all out, each consecutive year should be easier. We will make some tweeks here and there so that the activities are age appropriate. Also, our goal is to add more activities that involve acts of kindness and service as the kids get older (ex. donating toys, food, clothing or making treats for the folks at the nursing home that don't have family). However, many of the activities will be done each and every year, creating some fabulous family memories along the way!
What family traditions did you cherish growing up? Which did you continue with your children? Do you have any new family traditions? I would love to hear from you!
Friday, November 25, 2011
My Real Thanksgiving Meal
I found a recipe for seasoning the turkey that had a lot of great reviews. It had a bunch of different herbs and at first glance it followed all the rules. Then this morning I started thinking, I used chicken bouillon with water as a base for all the herbs...I don't think that is "real". Sure enough, I went and looked at the bottle and I shouldn't have used it. Anyone know what I should have used instead?
Menu:
Mashed Potatoes: potatoes, milk, butter, and garlic
Cranberry Orange Relish: (the first cranberry orange relish recipe): cranberries, orange (with rind), honey, ground cloves, and ground ginger (I didn't use walnuts.) I also bought some from Trader Joe's, but it uses sugar. I thought my husband would end up eating that instead, but he liked my version better because it wasn't as sweet.
Stuffing: I bought a two different types in a bag from Whole foods and there were not many ingredients and all were real foods. I added butter and water to both. (the bags were thrown out before I could write down what was in them)
Rolls: Bungalow Bread company - 5 ingredients! whole wheat, water, honey, yeast, and sea salt (this is the same company that makes the bread I have been eating)
Apple Sauce: apples, cinnamon
Gravy: store bought and didn't follow the rules. However I was okay with it because I ate very little of it and it was organic. I know it doesn't make it okay just because it was organic, but it helps.
Corn: organic frozen corn
Dessert: Well...we didn't have one. After weighing our options my husband and I agreed that having a pie in the house would be dangerous. Either I made one that we both liked and I would have to fight the urge to eat it (or eat it and deal with the calories) or make one that only he likes and be bummed that I can't enjoy a dessert.
My husband, trying to be the supportive guy I love, said that the combo of cranberry orange relish and apple sauce was sweet enough for him so he didn't need a dessert. I meant to make some whole wheat pumpkin bread, but time got away from me. I am still hoping to make the bread soon. Since I am also trying to lose weight I am using apple sauce instead of oil. I think I might also add some flax seed meal for the omega-3 fatty acid and fiber.
 |
| It is a crazy amount of food for 2 adults and a toddler, but we are looking forward to the leftovers. |
So there you have it. I think of all meals to make with real food, dinner tends to be the easiest since we tend to make most things from scratch anyway. Being focused on it helped us make better choices for the meal, although many aspects of the meal weren't necessarily healthy when you are trying to loose weight. I shudder at the amount of better I used. In order to enjoy it all, but not go overboard with calories I tried to be conscious of my portion size.
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| My plate with only two bites of mashed potato and corn gone. |
One last note...Mr. T started solids yesterday!! We were "supposed to" start back when we had his 4 month appointment, but he didn't seem ready. In the last week he has shown more of an interest in what we were eating so I decided Thanksgiving would be the day we tried it for the first time. Instead of starting with the traditional rice cereal (since it went so horrible with Superman), I did my research and learned that it isn't a necessary first food. So I made extra sweet potato and gave it a shot! He loved it and almost all of it stayed in his mouth. He kept opening his mouth for more, it was very cute! I made plenty to freeze so it is a good thing he liked it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Real Food Pledge
One of the things that I have been thinking about a lot lately is the fact that I know I have been eating too many "foods" that aren't really foods. I wanted to make more things from scratch, buy foods with less preservatives, and eliminate all fake sugar. The problem was that I had no idea where to start.
Then an acquaintance posted a recipe from the blog 100 Days of Real Food on Facebook. I can't even tell you how much this site blew my mind. This site is what I needed to get started. They have rules and recipes and meal plans and they even did it on a budget.
The thing I liked about them was that they called it a "pledge" instead of a diet or a promise or anything else that leaves absolutely no wiggle room. That being said, in my typical Mommy C fashion, I wanted to jump in with everything I had. I gave myself a few days to get "prepped" for it and planned to start this past Monday. The first time I went shopping I had no real list, just the rules. I didn't buy much, but did spend a lot of time looking at labels. I began to feel overwhelmed so I decided I needed a list.
Shopping trip number two was an epic failure. Item after item on my list was either not available, contained sugar, or too expensive (pine nuts at Whole Foods cost $20!). I gave up and came home.
Sunday I sat on the couch and tried to figure out how I was going to start the next day. Some things were easy. I wasn't going to drink diet coke any more. If I made something that called for butter, I was going to use real butter instead of margarine. I wasn't going to eat breads or baked goods that weren't 100% whole wheat and grains. But the specific stuff, like what I was going to eat for lunch the next day, seemed daunting.
Then I had a moment where I was just ready to throw in the towel all together, but I didn't. I didn't give up. Instead, I decided that there was no reason I couldn't take baby steps (which I should have realized because they have mini-pledges that do just that). My goal for this week was to eat only real food for breakfast and most snacks. Next week, I am going to add lunches, and then finally I will add dinners the week after that. I was also going to make a commitment that anytime we run out of something for a meal that I haven't started changing yet, I would make every attempt to buy items that follow the rules.
I have completed two full days so far and I have to say that I am doing pretty well, but I have two specific areas for improvement.
1. I have had one diet coke a day so far. Considering I was having A LOT more than that before, I am heading in the right direction. I am going to allow myself to have one a day the rest of the week and then next week I am going to get rid of it (almost) completely with a new goal of one can per week at the most. I am hoping that I will eventually kick the habit, but this is a step in the right direction. (Anyone that knows me, knows that I LOVE diet coke...l.o.v.e. LOVE. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Yeah...anyway)
2. It didn't occur to me till today to check the label on the peanut butter jar. Turns out my peanut butter doesn't follow the rules. I have some almond butter in the fridge that I will start using instead.
Because it is important to stay positive, I am doing far more things correctly!!
1. I found bread that has less than 5 ingredients and honey instead of sugar. It turns out that yeast needs sugar to work properly so most breads have some sugar in them. I was really lucky and found it on the last day of our local farmer's market!!
2. I am tracking my food!! I have been dragging my feet on this for some time now and I have to say, the Body Media Fit software on my phone is really easy to use. Once you enter a food from their list or manually put in a food, it is saved on a separate list that is easy to access. I would be really annoyed if I had to search for the foods I eat most each and every time I ate them.
3. I am a label reading fanatic!
4. I am finding new recipes and foods to try. In fact, I am going to make this Whole Wheat Pumpkin Bread later today. I am even going to tweek it to make it healthier- I will add some flax seed meal to it for some added Omega-3 fatty acids and I am swapping some (if not all) of the oil for some homemade apple sauce that is just apples and cinnamon.
This post is getting really long. I am sure there is a ton more I can tell you about the pledge so I will just have to leave it for another post. Tomorrow (if I can find the time) I am going to post about my REAL Thanksgiving dinner menu.
I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!!
Then an acquaintance posted a recipe from the blog 100 Days of Real Food on Facebook. I can't even tell you how much this site blew my mind. This site is what I needed to get started. They have rules and recipes and meal plans and they even did it on a budget.
The thing I liked about them was that they called it a "pledge" instead of a diet or a promise or anything else that leaves absolutely no wiggle room. That being said, in my typical Mommy C fashion, I wanted to jump in with everything I had. I gave myself a few days to get "prepped" for it and planned to start this past Monday. The first time I went shopping I had no real list, just the rules. I didn't buy much, but did spend a lot of time looking at labels. I began to feel overwhelmed so I decided I needed a list.
Shopping trip number two was an epic failure. Item after item on my list was either not available, contained sugar, or too expensive (pine nuts at Whole Foods cost $20!). I gave up and came home.
Sunday I sat on the couch and tried to figure out how I was going to start the next day. Some things were easy. I wasn't going to drink diet coke any more. If I made something that called for butter, I was going to use real butter instead of margarine. I wasn't going to eat breads or baked goods that weren't 100% whole wheat and grains. But the specific stuff, like what I was going to eat for lunch the next day, seemed daunting.
Then I had a moment where I was just ready to throw in the towel all together, but I didn't. I didn't give up. Instead, I decided that there was no reason I couldn't take baby steps (which I should have realized because they have mini-pledges that do just that). My goal for this week was to eat only real food for breakfast and most snacks. Next week, I am going to add lunches, and then finally I will add dinners the week after that. I was also going to make a commitment that anytime we run out of something for a meal that I haven't started changing yet, I would make every attempt to buy items that follow the rules.
I have completed two full days so far and I have to say that I am doing pretty well, but I have two specific areas for improvement.
1. I have had one diet coke a day so far. Considering I was having A LOT more than that before, I am heading in the right direction. I am going to allow myself to have one a day the rest of the week and then next week I am going to get rid of it (almost) completely with a new goal of one can per week at the most. I am hoping that I will eventually kick the habit, but this is a step in the right direction. (Anyone that knows me, knows that I LOVE diet coke...l.o.v.e. LOVE. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Yeah...anyway)
2. It didn't occur to me till today to check the label on the peanut butter jar. Turns out my peanut butter doesn't follow the rules. I have some almond butter in the fridge that I will start using instead.
Because it is important to stay positive, I am doing far more things correctly!!
1. I found bread that has less than 5 ingredients and honey instead of sugar. It turns out that yeast needs sugar to work properly so most breads have some sugar in them. I was really lucky and found it on the last day of our local farmer's market!!
2. I am tracking my food!! I have been dragging my feet on this for some time now and I have to say, the Body Media Fit software on my phone is really easy to use. Once you enter a food from their list or manually put in a food, it is saved on a separate list that is easy to access. I would be really annoyed if I had to search for the foods I eat most each and every time I ate them.
3. I am a label reading fanatic!
4. I am finding new recipes and foods to try. In fact, I am going to make this Whole Wheat Pumpkin Bread later today. I am even going to tweek it to make it healthier- I will add some flax seed meal to it for some added Omega-3 fatty acids and I am swapping some (if not all) of the oil for some homemade apple sauce that is just apples and cinnamon.
This post is getting really long. I am sure there is a ton more I can tell you about the pledge so I will just have to leave it for another post. Tomorrow (if I can find the time) I am going to post about my REAL Thanksgiving dinner menu.
I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!!
Monday, November 21, 2011
One Step at a Time
I haven't posted about my weight loss journey lately. I am sure you can guess why...yup, haven't lost any weight. In fact, I have been gaining weight. So.not.happy!!!
In an attempt to understand why I was gaining weight I got a Body Media Fit (like the Body Bugg that the Biggest Loser contestants wear, just marketed differently). I thought that maybe I wasn't burning enough calories. My initial goal was just to wear it for a week or two and see what I noticed about my calorie burn, activity level, steps, and sleep. I have been wearing it for longer than that without doing much with the information, but it has been very eye opening nonetheless.
Here is what I learned....
Calorie Burn:
I burn a lot more calories than I thought I did. I am certainly no expert on calorie burn, but I had envisioned that I burned about 2500 calories a day. In reality I burn, on average, about 3100 calories a day. On the days that I do Baby Boot camp, I burn about 3300 calories. On non-boot camp days, I burn about 2800 calories.
Activity Level:
I knew I was getting a good workout at Baby Boot Camp, but according to the Body Media Fit (BMF), I burn about 400-500 calories in one 1 hour class. More specifically, the BMF considers my level of activity to be moderately active (3-6 METs burned*) for 30-40 minutes of the class, while 20-30 minutes are considered vigorous. This varies day to day because the amount of cardio can vary depending on the day.
While I knew chasing after a toddler all day should count for something, I didn't realize how much it would count. I average over an hour and a half of total activity a day (activity intensity of 3 METs or more). That means whether I am going to boot camp or not, I am getting more than enough activity.
*Not sure what METs are? METs or Metabolic Equivalents are a way to measure intensity in activity. At rest, your MET level is 1. Moderate activity is 3-6 METs - you are active but you aren't breathing too hard to carry a conversation, but you probably can't sing. Vigorous activity is over 6 METs - you are active and carrying on a conversation is more difficult.
Steps:
In case I wasn't convinced that I was getting enough activity, my steps were recorded at an average of 11,832 steps a day. My goal when I lost weight back in 2005 was 10,000 steps a day. Almost anything you read about the ideal number of steps when trying to lose weight will say 10,000 steps is the number to shoot for. In the last month I recorded less than 10,000 steps only 7 times. Of those 7 times, at least 3-4 of them were because I wasn't wearing my band the whole day (I know of 2 days that I didn't hit 10,000 because we watched football all day).
Sleep:
I have a 4 month old. Need I say more? Ideally, for weight loss specifically, you need at least 8 hours of sleep a night. I average 5.53 hours of sleep. The BMF also measures time laying down. My average time laying down was 7.17 hours. I usually spend some time reading before bed, but not much more than 15-20 minutes. What is going on during the rest of the time? I'm not sure. I could be tossing and turning. I could be trying to fall asleep. I could be laying there thinking of all the things I need to do the next day. I could also think that I am asleep, but am really just really relaxed. One of the things I need to work on is figuring out how to get more QUALITY sleep since getting more actual sleep won't happen till Mr. T starts sleeping through the night.
So now what? Well it is time for me to start tracking my food intake, but for a variety of reasons, I think there is more going on. I will be writing about this in my next post as soon as I get a chance. Basically it involves a bunch of medical tests, a naturopathic doctor, a health coach, and my primary care physician. Stay tuned!
In an attempt to understand why I was gaining weight I got a Body Media Fit (like the Body Bugg that the Biggest Loser contestants wear, just marketed differently). I thought that maybe I wasn't burning enough calories. My initial goal was just to wear it for a week or two and see what I noticed about my calorie burn, activity level, steps, and sleep. I have been wearing it for longer than that without doing much with the information, but it has been very eye opening nonetheless.
Here is what I learned....
Calorie Burn:
I burn a lot more calories than I thought I did. I am certainly no expert on calorie burn, but I had envisioned that I burned about 2500 calories a day. In reality I burn, on average, about 3100 calories a day. On the days that I do Baby Boot camp, I burn about 3300 calories. On non-boot camp days, I burn about 2800 calories.
Activity Level:
I knew I was getting a good workout at Baby Boot Camp, but according to the Body Media Fit (BMF), I burn about 400-500 calories in one 1 hour class. More specifically, the BMF considers my level of activity to be moderately active (3-6 METs burned*) for 30-40 minutes of the class, while 20-30 minutes are considered vigorous. This varies day to day because the amount of cardio can vary depending on the day.
While I knew chasing after a toddler all day should count for something, I didn't realize how much it would count. I average over an hour and a half of total activity a day (activity intensity of 3 METs or more). That means whether I am going to boot camp or not, I am getting more than enough activity.
*Not sure what METs are? METs or Metabolic Equivalents are a way to measure intensity in activity. At rest, your MET level is 1. Moderate activity is 3-6 METs - you are active but you aren't breathing too hard to carry a conversation, but you probably can't sing. Vigorous activity is over 6 METs - you are active and carrying on a conversation is more difficult.
Steps:
In case I wasn't convinced that I was getting enough activity, my steps were recorded at an average of 11,832 steps a day. My goal when I lost weight back in 2005 was 10,000 steps a day. Almost anything you read about the ideal number of steps when trying to lose weight will say 10,000 steps is the number to shoot for. In the last month I recorded less than 10,000 steps only 7 times. Of those 7 times, at least 3-4 of them were because I wasn't wearing my band the whole day (I know of 2 days that I didn't hit 10,000 because we watched football all day).
Sleep:
I have a 4 month old. Need I say more? Ideally, for weight loss specifically, you need at least 8 hours of sleep a night. I average 5.53 hours of sleep. The BMF also measures time laying down. My average time laying down was 7.17 hours. I usually spend some time reading before bed, but not much more than 15-20 minutes. What is going on during the rest of the time? I'm not sure. I could be tossing and turning. I could be trying to fall asleep. I could be laying there thinking of all the things I need to do the next day. I could also think that I am asleep, but am really just really relaxed. One of the things I need to work on is figuring out how to get more QUALITY sleep since getting more actual sleep won't happen till Mr. T starts sleeping through the night.
******
So now what? Well it is time for me to start tracking my food intake, but for a variety of reasons, I think there is more going on. I will be writing about this in my next post as soon as I get a chance. Basically it involves a bunch of medical tests, a naturopathic doctor, a health coach, and my primary care physician. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Top 5 Tips for Grocery Shopping With Kids
Yesterday I ranted about people continually telling me that I am brave for shopping with both of my kids. Although I find the comments annoying, it seems like there are some people who think that shopping with kids will be really, really hard. Based on the biggest concerns I have heard from other moms, their kids' behavior seems to be the biggest worry. I am not claiming to be an expert or without a bad day, but I have some tricks that I use to make my shopping trips not just doable, but really enjoyable. So here is my top 5 tip list for being successful at the store.
5. Bring snacks anytime one of them is tired/cranky/etc. or plan the trip during your child's usual snack time and bring it along with you. A well fed kid will typically behave better than one that is hungry. Use a healthy, but easily eaten on-the-go snack (cut up cheese and apple, crackers, etc). I would advise against giving "treats" or a special snack while shopping (see #2) because otherwise they may expect it every time.
4. If you have more than one kid, wear one of them. Not only will this free up space in your cart (if one is an infant) and entertain that child, but you will burn some great calories while shopping. Since Mr. T can't sit up on his own yet, that usually means I am wearing him. However, if I am not going to get many items I will keep him in the car seat and wear Superman in the ergo on my back. He loves it!!
3. Enlist them to be your helpers. For Superman, that means he gets to hold a few (none that are breakable or smooshable) items. He also likes me to give him the item and he drops it into the cart. Finally at the checkout, he is in charge of the cards. He gives the checker the store club card and helps me run the credit card through the machine. If they are older, give the child a calculator and have them keep track of your total spending or have them help decide which kind of cheese, yogurt, etc you will get.
2. Do not bribe them. Do not tell them that they will get a treat for behaving and do not let them have the cookie from the bakery. If you do, they will ask you for it every.single.time and you can't really blame them for trying. Make the grocery trip about spending time with them and doing something together. If they are never told they will get something for behaving, they aren't likely to think to ask for something.
1. Do not ignore them. Seriously, how fun is to have to sit in a cart for who knows how long and the whole time being ignored? I bet you have all seen a kid screaming "mom, mom, mom" or throwing things on the floor while Mom completely ignores the pleas for attention. While we might not be this bad and we don't mean to, sometimes when we are just trying to get a task done, we turn inward and tune out everything around us. Try hard not to tune out your kids.
Take the time to talk with them. If they are old enough, get their opinions on what you are buying, what meals you might try in the future, or just what they did at school that day. If they are still young, use the time to sing songs, model decision making ("Let's see, I need olives. This can is $1.99, but this can is $1.09. I think I will get the cheaper one because it all tastes the same.), or practice a new skill ("What letters do you see?"). And best of all, if they are in the cart, give them lots and lots of hugs! Superman loves to get hugs and then push off of me and go gliding away. I run up to catch him and we do it all over again. I love our little game and we both end up leaving the store in a better mood.
I can always use more ideas and I feel like I have great tips for right now and for when they are school age, but I am thinking I need some new ones for when Superman is a preschooler.
So what are your tricks for a happy shopping trip?
5. Bring snacks anytime one of them is tired/cranky/etc. or plan the trip during your child's usual snack time and bring it along with you. A well fed kid will typically behave better than one that is hungry. Use a healthy, but easily eaten on-the-go snack (cut up cheese and apple, crackers, etc). I would advise against giving "treats" or a special snack while shopping (see #2) because otherwise they may expect it every time.
4. If you have more than one kid, wear one of them. Not only will this free up space in your cart (if one is an infant) and entertain that child, but you will burn some great calories while shopping. Since Mr. T can't sit up on his own yet, that usually means I am wearing him. However, if I am not going to get many items I will keep him in the car seat and wear Superman in the ergo on my back. He loves it!!
3. Enlist them to be your helpers. For Superman, that means he gets to hold a few (none that are breakable or smooshable) items. He also likes me to give him the item and he drops it into the cart. Finally at the checkout, he is in charge of the cards. He gives the checker the store club card and helps me run the credit card through the machine. If they are older, give the child a calculator and have them keep track of your total spending or have them help decide which kind of cheese, yogurt, etc you will get.
2. Do not bribe them. Do not tell them that they will get a treat for behaving and do not let them have the cookie from the bakery. If you do, they will ask you for it every.single.time and you can't really blame them for trying. Make the grocery trip about spending time with them and doing something together. If they are never told they will get something for behaving, they aren't likely to think to ask for something.
1. Do not ignore them. Seriously, how fun is to have to sit in a cart for who knows how long and the whole time being ignored? I bet you have all seen a kid screaming "mom, mom, mom" or throwing things on the floor while Mom completely ignores the pleas for attention. While we might not be this bad and we don't mean to, sometimes when we are just trying to get a task done, we turn inward and tune out everything around us. Try hard not to tune out your kids.
Take the time to talk with them. If they are old enough, get their opinions on what you are buying, what meals you might try in the future, or just what they did at school that day. If they are still young, use the time to sing songs, model decision making ("Let's see, I need olives. This can is $1.99, but this can is $1.09. I think I will get the cheaper one because it all tastes the same.), or practice a new skill ("What letters do you see?"). And best of all, if they are in the cart, give them lots and lots of hugs! Superman loves to get hugs and then push off of me and go gliding away. I run up to catch him and we do it all over again. I love our little game and we both end up leaving the store in a better mood.
*************
So what are your tricks for a happy shopping trip?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
You are so BRAVE!
The title "stay at home mom" totally doesn't fit me. Not because I think I am so much more than that (I am more than that, but I feel secure enough with myself to not feel threatened by the title), but because I don't actually spend a whole lot of time at my house. Although I have had issues with leaving or not leaving the house thanks to my PPD/PPA, staying at home all the time just never seemed like a fun option for me.
Interestingly, the fact that I go and do things, like grocery shop, with both boys seems to continually shock some people. I can't even begin to tell you the number of people (some I know and some I don't) that tell me that I am so brave and that they could never go out and about like I do with two boys.
So to the people that I know that think they could never go out with their two kids the way that I do, you can. I promise. I don't know a single mom that couldn't handle it...or many dads for that matter, although they might need a little bit more of a pep-talk first. Maybe it is because I surround myself with pretty awesome people, but I have never looked at one of my fellow moms and thought, "yeah, it would be way too much for you to handle, you should leave grocery shopping for when you only have to bring 1 kid. Or better yet? You can't handle one kid very well either, so you should just go by yourself when your husband gets home." Sounds ridiculous right?
To the people I don't know, do I look like it is totally overwhelming and exhausting and this is your way of telling me so? If that's the case, I am not exhausted because my kids are there. I just look like crap because the idea of putting on make-up and doing my hair seems like a waste. Or are you trying to pay me a compliment because I have two (happy) kids under two that I am shopping with? If this is the case, can't you just pay my kids a compliment and leave me out of it? I can't tell you how happy it would make me for you to compliment Superman on his ability to sit nicely in the cart or for helping me with the shopping. But telling me that I am brave just seems a little ridiculous.
All this being said, if you are honestly looking for tips on how to handle more than one kid out and about, stay tuned for tomorrow's post. I will have my top 5 tips for grocery shopping with your kids.
Interestingly, the fact that I go and do things, like grocery shop, with both boys seems to continually shock some people. I can't even begin to tell you the number of people (some I know and some I don't) that tell me that I am so brave and that they could never go out and about like I do with two boys.
So to the people that I know that think they could never go out with their two kids the way that I do, you can. I promise. I don't know a single mom that couldn't handle it...or many dads for that matter, although they might need a little bit more of a pep-talk first. Maybe it is because I surround myself with pretty awesome people, but I have never looked at one of my fellow moms and thought, "yeah, it would be way too much for you to handle, you should leave grocery shopping for when you only have to bring 1 kid. Or better yet? You can't handle one kid very well either, so you should just go by yourself when your husband gets home." Sounds ridiculous right?
To the people I don't know, do I look like it is totally overwhelming and exhausting and this is your way of telling me so? If that's the case, I am not exhausted because my kids are there. I just look like crap because the idea of putting on make-up and doing my hair seems like a waste. Or are you trying to pay me a compliment because I have two (happy) kids under two that I am shopping with? If this is the case, can't you just pay my kids a compliment and leave me out of it? I can't tell you how happy it would make me for you to compliment Superman on his ability to sit nicely in the cart or for helping me with the shopping. But telling me that I am brave just seems a little ridiculous.
All this being said, if you are honestly looking for tips on how to handle more than one kid out and about, stay tuned for tomorrow's post. I will have my top 5 tips for grocery shopping with your kids.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
It's a Toddler Life for Me!
I am continually fascinated by my day to day life with my toddler. He makes me laugh, cry, and (want to) scream all in single day. The way he lives life (as with most toddlers) reminds me to slow down and explore the flowers* when my instinct tends to be that of a "rushing" nature. He is teaching me how to play cars and trains and would really like me to figure out how to make all the necessary noises that comes with it. He shows me how to dance like you don't have a care in the world (which ends up looking a lot like Elaine's dancing from Seinfeld). He is also reminding me that an art project really isn't about the end product, but rather the creative journey you go on to get there (and boy, do I need to be reminded!).
He is also giving me ample opportunity to learn about patience. Like most parents of toddlers, we have the typical tantrums going on. I have read the book "Happiest Toddler On The Block" and can't recommend it enough. The book hasn't made the tantrums completely go away, but it has taught us how to navigate through them so there are fewer tears, less screaming, and a happier outcome sooner than we would normally be able to achieve.
As if dealing with tantrums wasn't enough totest my teach me patience, communicating with Superman moment to moment also requires a whole lot of it. He is in the phase where he mostly speaks in one (maybe two) word sentences. We have been working on sentences like, "Mommy, cheese please." or "Daddy, car please." But most of the time it is the thing he wants and then an added please when we ask him to "ask nicely".
When he is frustrated, the one or two words go away completely. He wants to grunt or whine his way to whatever he wants. Our current solution is to utilize Dr. Karp's techiniques and say, "You sound really frustrated." and then we add, "can you use your words to tell me what you need/want?" Although we are a long way from it working every time, we are seeing some success. In fact, he is a conversation from yesterday.
S: Whaaaaaaaa (who is standing on a chair eating his lunch at the island in our kitchen)
Me: S, can you try and use your words and tell me what you need? (I am changing T's diaper)
S: No
Me: No as in you can't or No as in milk? (no has some how come to be the word he says for milk)
S: Spoon?
Me: You would like the spoon? (they are also on the island, but out of reach)
S:yeah, spoon.
Me: Can you figure out a way to get the spoon without my help?
S: (No answer. He stands there for a minute, then decides to get off the chair, move it closer to the spoons, climb back up and grab both his plate for lunch and the spoons.)
Me: (glowing from ear to ear) Great problem solving kiddo! S wanted the spoon and he figured out how to get it without Mommy's help. Great job!
He may have a lot to teach me, but this type of conversation reminds me of the magnitude of my job as a mother and how this one skill, of solving a problem on your own, is just a small fraction of all that I have to teach him. How cool is that?
*or rather the leaves that he currently calls flowers
He is also giving me ample opportunity to learn about patience. Like most parents of toddlers, we have the typical tantrums going on. I have read the book "Happiest Toddler On The Block" and can't recommend it enough. The book hasn't made the tantrums completely go away, but it has taught us how to navigate through them so there are fewer tears, less screaming, and a happier outcome sooner than we would normally be able to achieve.
As if dealing with tantrums wasn't enough to
When he is frustrated, the one or two words go away completely. He wants to grunt or whine his way to whatever he wants. Our current solution is to utilize Dr. Karp's techiniques and say, "You sound really frustrated." and then we add, "can you use your words to tell me what you need/want?" Although we are a long way from it working every time, we are seeing some success. In fact, he is a conversation from yesterday.
S: Whaaaaaaaa (who is standing on a chair eating his lunch at the island in our kitchen)
Me: S, can you try and use your words and tell me what you need? (I am changing T's diaper)
S: No
Me: No as in you can't or No as in milk? (no has some how come to be the word he says for milk)
S: Spoon?
Me: You would like the spoon? (they are also on the island, but out of reach)
S:yeah, spoon.
Me: Can you figure out a way to get the spoon without my help?
S: (No answer. He stands there for a minute, then decides to get off the chair, move it closer to the spoons, climb back up and grab both his plate for lunch and the spoons.)
Me: (glowing from ear to ear) Great problem solving kiddo! S wanted the spoon and he figured out how to get it without Mommy's help. Great job!
He may have a lot to teach me, but this type of conversation reminds me of the magnitude of my job as a mother and how this one skill, of solving a problem on your own, is just a small fraction of all that I have to teach him. How cool is that?
*or rather the leaves that he currently calls flowers
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Clarifying my focus
I am so far behind with my updates on the kids that every time I sit down to write about them, I get overwhelmed and do something else. I got to thinking about why I want to do the updates at all and I realized it is not because I want to share everything with the world, I do them so that I will remember. I do them so that my family and close friends can hear about the little things going on in our little piece of the world without my need to post every little thing on Facebook....although I come close.
So I have decided to create a second blog. A blog where I can post pictures of the kids, use their real names, and write all about the little details of our lives so that I will remember when they are older (you know, like a month from now).
This will free me up to write about the things that I do want to share with the rest of the world...things like how I am dealing with Mr. T's 4 month sleep regression, Superman's new found love of temper tantrums, and my transformative journey involving food, dieting, and my weight. So you can see that I still still write about the kids, but you won't get posts listing their various milestones.
I hope this makes as much sense to everyone else as it does to me.
So I have decided to create a second blog. A blog where I can post pictures of the kids, use their real names, and write all about the little details of our lives so that I will remember when they are older (you know, like a month from now).
This will free me up to write about the things that I do want to share with the rest of the world...things like how I am dealing with Mr. T's 4 month sleep regression, Superman's new found love of temper tantrums, and my transformative journey involving food, dieting, and my weight. So you can see that I still still write about the kids, but you won't get posts listing their various milestones.
I hope this makes as much sense to everyone else as it does to me.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Just like me.
Superman doesn't look like me. I was in denial for a long time. People would comment on how much he looks like my husband, but I would just keep thinking that some part of him looks like me...I just needed to figure out which part.
My husband likes to remind me that he does have my toes. Yes, one physical trait he got from me was his lovely webbed second and third toe. I am sure he will be thanking me at some point.
The fact that he doesn't look like me has bugged me since he was born. I look at all my friend's kids and you can totally tell that it is their kid. But then you look at Superman and I and you might think we are related, but it isn't entirely obvious how.
One of my deep down and secret worries I had about Mr. T, when I was pregnant, is that he would also not look like me. I tried to grapple with the idea that I might not ever have a kid that looked like me and that had to be okay.
Thankfully, I don't actually have to deal with that because Mr. T looks a lot like me and it is AMAZING!! I love looking at him and seeing my features on his face. I like seeing pictures where our smiles are the same. I love it when people comment on the fact that he looks a lot like me.
And as with anything involving motherhood, my adoration with my new son looking like me has made me feel guilty. I feel bad that it means something to me that he looks like me. It isn't that I love him more or that I feel more connected to him, because that certainly isn't the case. It just feels different to have someone look like you. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you don't and I am all alone on this subject. Maybe I am just a big egotistical weirdo that gets a kick out of the fact that she has someone that looks like her...in fact as I write this I am really beginning to wonder if any of this will make sense to you all.
So...If your kid looks like you, how do you feel about having a mini you? Do you have an extra sense of pride because of it? If your kid doesn't look like you, how do you feel about this? Do you wish that he did look like you? Does it matter at all?
All this being said, in the end, I know, without a doubt, that both of these adorable kids are mine:
Superman
with his webbed toes and strong desire to make friends where ever he goes.
(just like me)
and
Mr. T
with his bright blue eyes, auburn hair, thin upper lip, invisible eyebrows and desire to babble non-stop when he is happy.
(just like me)
Monday, October 24, 2011
It gets better.
I think that I am finally over the hump! In the past month I have been doing some hard work so that I could start to feel better. Things aren't perfect, but what is? I can honestly say that my depression is minimal and my anxiety attacks are almost non-existent. In the last week or so that things have started looking a whole lot brighter for me.
Interestingly, it took a really crappy day for me to realize that I was doing better. A whole slew of things went wrong last Friday morning and I really felt quite chaotic and overwhelmed. However, when nap time came around and I began to think about my morning, I realized that I felt chaotic and overwhelmed, not because of my anxiety disorder, but because anyone would feel that way given the string of events that I had that morning (ok, so my ADD didn't help but that is a different story). It was at that point that I realized that I was, in fact, feeling better. Had I not been? I would have never even attempted to continue my morning outside of the home and if I did stick with it, I would have surely had an anxiety attack or two.
I then began looking back over the last week. I realized that I am now able to leave the house with almost no anxiety. I trust myself and do not obsess over whether or not I made the right decision. I do not drive down the road with consistent anxiety about an accident. I feel free!
Sure, I still have an anxiety attack here and there, but it is so much better that I can't help but feel relieved that I made it through the worst parts.
I will go into some specifics about my treatment in another post because I think it could be helpful to some. However, if you are suffering from postpartum depression and/or anxiety, please take away this: It will get better. It may take you less time than me. It may take you more time than me. But if you stick with your treatment plan, you will get better.
Do not give up.
Do not stay silent about your struggles.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that it can look differently for each person, if you don't feel right, seek help.
Thank you.
Interestingly, it took a really crappy day for me to realize that I was doing better. A whole slew of things went wrong last Friday morning and I really felt quite chaotic and overwhelmed. However, when nap time came around and I began to think about my morning, I realized that I felt chaotic and overwhelmed, not because of my anxiety disorder, but because anyone would feel that way given the string of events that I had that morning (ok, so my ADD didn't help but that is a different story). It was at that point that I realized that I was, in fact, feeling better. Had I not been? I would have never even attempted to continue my morning outside of the home and if I did stick with it, I would have surely had an anxiety attack or two.
I then began looking back over the last week. I realized that I am now able to leave the house with almost no anxiety. I trust myself and do not obsess over whether or not I made the right decision. I do not drive down the road with consistent anxiety about an accident. I feel free!
Sure, I still have an anxiety attack here and there, but it is so much better that I can't help but feel relieved that I made it through the worst parts.
I will go into some specifics about my treatment in another post because I think it could be helpful to some. However, if you are suffering from postpartum depression and/or anxiety, please take away this: It will get better. It may take you less time than me. It may take you more time than me. But if you stick with your treatment plan, you will get better.
Do not give up.
Do not stay silent about your struggles.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that it can look differently for each person, if you don't feel right, seek help.
Thank you.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Where Is Mommy C now? Part 2
If you didn't see yesterday's post, I suggest starting there. Where Is Mommy C now? Part 1
I was talking with a friend yesterday about my struggles with writing all of this down. Some of my thoughts are pretty scary for me and I worry that I will putting thoughts into other people's heads by writing about it. She reminded me that other people have come forward and talked about their struggles with PPD and PPA and it helped others not feel alone. Isn't that my goal? To share with all of you my struggles so that we don't feel alone? Exactly. She also reminded me that my blog title is "being mom now" and this is where I am right now. I guess I can't really hide from it any more so here we go.
If I had to boil down my anxiety, I would have to say that anything that makes me feel like I am not in control can cause an anxiety attack.
Bridges are full of anxiety for me. I am not worried that I will drive off the bridge, I am worried that someone will hit me and send me off the bridge (=no control). When I am approaching a bridge I begin to think about what might happen, how will I respond, how can I best ensure that we all make it out alive. I am so anxious by the time I reach the bridge that getting across requires me to say to myself (out loud), "just keep driving" and "you can do this" and "no one will hit you" and "just keep driving" over and over and over again. Busy roads, in general, will also do this to me when I am already in a heightened state of anxiety. However, I have an easier time "talking myself down" because getting into a regular car accident doesn't involve figuring out how to get my two small children out of their carseats and to safety, all while underwater. (just writing this has given me heart palpitations)
Being home is another struggle for me, on multiple levels. First is the anxiety that someone will break in and I won't be able to defend myself and protect my children (despite having two large dogs to help protect us). Again, I tend to play these movies in my head of how I will respond, how will I call 911, where I can hid my children so they won't be hurt, thinking about pretending that we are all asleep so they might leave us alone. It is particularly hard for me when I am upstairs and can't hear the doors open.
The second issue with being at home is a much more complicated issue that is can be summed up with, "I am afraid to stay home." I wrote about it yesterday, but what I didn't mention was that I am fighting off anxiety attacks no matter what I choose to do. If I stay home, I am anxious that I should be leaving, that this will become a pattern, that I will never be able to leave my house again. If I am leaving, I am anxious that something will bad happen while we are out or that it will make me too tired to make it through the day or that I am not prepared for all that might happen. Because of this, when I leave the house, I leave with everything (including the kitchen sink). I have more snacks, diapers, wipes, clothes, drinks, and toys than I will need for 3 days out, not just the couple hours we expect to be gone. If for some reason we leave without "enough" of any of these things, I will undoubtedly have an anxiety attack and spend much of the time gone figuring out what we will do if we run out of something we need. (This is a particular difficult thing when it is my husband and I getting ready to leave for somewhere. He usually packs "just enough" or doesn't think certain things are crucial to bring. I disagree and it causes tension. I don't think I have been able to explain how it makes me feel to be "under prepared" till now. I really wish I could be more like him.)
Time makes me anxious. Actually time makes me anxious always. I hate being late. I hate being on time. I want to be early. If I am cutting it close and will only be about 5 minutes early, I will have an anxiety attack. I try and avoid this by being earlier, but then I end up there really early and get frustrated with my need to be early.
I feel like I could go on and on about my worries. Seriously, I feel like I am being held captive by my worry, by my fears, by my anxiety. I hate that it controls me because really I just want to have control over my life. I feel like everyone must think I am a bit insane. I hate it. If I could be rid of this depression and anxiety forever, I would do anything to make it happen. I suppose that is what I am doing right now with the meds, the therapy, and the activities that I do at home. Although I am doubtful they will all just go away any time soon, I do trust that I will get better. I have to believe that I will get better.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about my struggles with writing all of this down. Some of my thoughts are pretty scary for me and I worry that I will putting thoughts into other people's heads by writing about it. She reminded me that other people have come forward and talked about their struggles with PPD and PPA and it helped others not feel alone. Isn't that my goal? To share with all of you my struggles so that we don't feel alone? Exactly. She also reminded me that my blog title is "being mom now" and this is where I am right now. I guess I can't really hide from it any more so here we go.
If I had to boil down my anxiety, I would have to say that anything that makes me feel like I am not in control can cause an anxiety attack.
Bridges are full of anxiety for me. I am not worried that I will drive off the bridge, I am worried that someone will hit me and send me off the bridge (=no control). When I am approaching a bridge I begin to think about what might happen, how will I respond, how can I best ensure that we all make it out alive. I am so anxious by the time I reach the bridge that getting across requires me to say to myself (out loud), "just keep driving" and "you can do this" and "no one will hit you" and "just keep driving" over and over and over again. Busy roads, in general, will also do this to me when I am already in a heightened state of anxiety. However, I have an easier time "talking myself down" because getting into a regular car accident doesn't involve figuring out how to get my two small children out of their carseats and to safety, all while underwater. (just writing this has given me heart palpitations)
Being home is another struggle for me, on multiple levels. First is the anxiety that someone will break in and I won't be able to defend myself and protect my children (despite having two large dogs to help protect us). Again, I tend to play these movies in my head of how I will respond, how will I call 911, where I can hid my children so they won't be hurt, thinking about pretending that we are all asleep so they might leave us alone. It is particularly hard for me when I am upstairs and can't hear the doors open.
The second issue with being at home is a much more complicated issue that is can be summed up with, "I am afraid to stay home." I wrote about it yesterday, but what I didn't mention was that I am fighting off anxiety attacks no matter what I choose to do. If I stay home, I am anxious that I should be leaving, that this will become a pattern, that I will never be able to leave my house again. If I am leaving, I am anxious that something will bad happen while we are out or that it will make me too tired to make it through the day or that I am not prepared for all that might happen. Because of this, when I leave the house, I leave with everything (including the kitchen sink). I have more snacks, diapers, wipes, clothes, drinks, and toys than I will need for 3 days out, not just the couple hours we expect to be gone. If for some reason we leave without "enough" of any of these things, I will undoubtedly have an anxiety attack and spend much of the time gone figuring out what we will do if we run out of something we need. (This is a particular difficult thing when it is my husband and I getting ready to leave for somewhere. He usually packs "just enough" or doesn't think certain things are crucial to bring. I disagree and it causes tension. I don't think I have been able to explain how it makes me feel to be "under prepared" till now. I really wish I could be more like him.)
Time makes me anxious. Actually time makes me anxious always. I hate being late. I hate being on time. I want to be early. If I am cutting it close and will only be about 5 minutes early, I will have an anxiety attack. I try and avoid this by being earlier, but then I end up there really early and get frustrated with my need to be early.
I feel like I could go on and on about my worries. Seriously, I feel like I am being held captive by my worry, by my fears, by my anxiety. I hate that it controls me because really I just want to have control over my life. I feel like everyone must think I am a bit insane. I hate it. If I could be rid of this depression and anxiety forever, I would do anything to make it happen. I suppose that is what I am doing right now with the meds, the therapy, and the activities that I do at home. Although I am doubtful they will all just go away any time soon, I do trust that I will get better. I have to believe that I will get better.
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