Friday, May 21, 2010

Will all the worrywarts please stand up?

I am a worrier. I worry about things I can control. I worry about things I can't control. I worry about what other people think (when I don't know them and even more when I do).  I worry about what might happen.  I worry about what might not happen.  I...am...a...worrier.

The good news? I am also a problem solver and normally this counter balances all my worry and life is pretty good.  Sometimes though...the worry takes over and I end up physical symptoms of my worry.  I get heartburn, rib pain (doctors call it costochondritis), and an assortment of "stomach issues".

After 3.5 days of what I thought was a mild stomach virus I am beginning to think that it is in fact stress induced because really my only symptom after the first day has been extreme nausea.  Why am I worried? (thanks for asking by the way)  Well, since I am also a list maker, let's put the worries into a list:
  • I am having surgery on Monday to repair "damage" done during the birth of my son. 
  • My mom is flying across the country, leaving her partner who depends on her help to get through the day, to help me because I won't be able to lift S for a week.  
  • S is a teething 4.5 month old that seems to have fits of fussiness that are really hard to handle and I feel guilty about making my mom deal with it.
  • This surgery means that I have another 4-6 weeks of recovery before I can exercise again and I miss exercising.
  • I am going back to NY for the first time in 4 years and all I keep thinking about is how the "fat" me is going back there, not the "real" me.   
  • I started this blog as a creative outlet for myself, but I spend way too much time editing what I write because I fear what people will think...the whole time worrying about how people perceive me.
If I really wanted to get carried away I could add a bunch of "on-going worries" to the list.  You know, the ones about never getting enough housework done and "earning" my keep or even better, the worry that I am not doing something for S that I should be, therefore delaying his development in some way.

Creating a list about all my worries makes me feel really whiny and contrite when there are women that have far worse problems than I do.  Should I add "Guilt Ridden" to the list of worries?

I would like to blame all this worrying on being a mom, but the truth is I have always been and always will be a worrier.  In fact, the worry is like an old friend that keeps my mind busy and my body moving. Sure I would love to have less physical side effects from it, but I don't think I would be me without it all together.

The Queen of the Worrywarts,

Mommy C

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