Just like me.

Superman doesn't look like me.  I was in denial for a long time.  People would comment on how much he looks like my husband, but I would just keep thinking that some part of him looks like me...I just needed to figure out which part.

My husband likes to remind me that he does have my toes.  Yes, one physical trait he got from me was his lovely webbed second and third toe.  I am sure he will be thanking me at some point.

The fact that he doesn't look like me has bugged me since he was born.  I look at all my friend's kids and you can totally tell that it is their kid.  But then you look at Superman and I and you might think we are related, but it isn't entirely obvious how. 

One of my deep down and secret worries I had about Mr. T, when I was pregnant, is that he would also not look like me.  I tried to grapple with the idea that I might not ever have a kid that looked like me and that had to be okay.

Thankfully, I don't actually have to deal with that because Mr. T looks a lot like me and it is AMAZING!!  I love looking at him and seeing my features on his face.   I like seeing pictures where our smiles are the same.  I love it when people comment on the fact that he looks a lot like me.

And as with anything involving motherhood, my adoration with my new son looking like me has made me feel guilty.  I feel bad that it means something to me that he looks like me.  It isn't that I love him more or that I feel more connected to him, because that certainly isn't the case.   It just feels different to have someone look like you.  Do you know what I mean?  Maybe you don't and I am all alone on this subject.  Maybe I am just a big egotistical weirdo that gets a kick out of the fact that she has someone that looks like her...in fact as I write this I am really beginning to wonder if any of this will make sense to you all.

So...If your kid looks like you, how do you feel about having a mini you?  Do you have an extra sense of pride because of it? If your kid doesn't look like you, how do you feel about this?  Do you wish that he did look like you?  Does it matter at all?

All this being said, in the end, I know, without a doubt, that both of these adorable kids are mine:

Superman 

with his webbed toes and strong desire to make friends where ever he goes.

 (just like me)

 and

Mr. T  

with his bright blue eyes, auburn hair, thin upper lip, invisible eyebrows and desire to babble non-stop when he is happy.

(just like me)

It gets better.

I think that I am finally over the hump!  In the past month I have been doing some hard work so that I could start to feel better.  Things aren't perfect, but what is?  I can honestly say that my depression is minimal and my anxiety attacks are almost non-existent.  In the last week or so that things have started looking a whole lot brighter for me.

Interestingly, it took a really crappy day for me to realize that I was doing better.  A whole slew of things went wrong last Friday morning and I really felt quite chaotic and overwhelmed.  However, when nap time came around and I began to think about my morning, I realized that I felt chaotic and overwhelmed, not because of my anxiety disorder, but because anyone would feel that way given the string of events that I had that morning (ok, so my ADD didn't help but that is a different story).  It was at that point that I realized that I was, in fact, feeling better.  Had I not been?  I would have never even attempted to continue my morning outside of the home and  if I did stick with it, I would have surely had an anxiety attack or two.

I then began looking back over the last week.  I realized that I am now able to leave the house with almost no anxiety.  I trust myself and do not obsess over whether or not I made the right decision.  I do not drive down the road with consistent anxiety about an accident.  I feel free!

Sure, I still have an anxiety attack here and there, but it is so much better that I can't help but feel relieved that I made it through the worst parts. 

I will go into some specifics about my treatment in another post because I think it could be helpful to some.  However, if you are suffering from postpartum depression and/or anxiety, please take away this:  It will get better.  It may take you less time than me. It may take you more time than me.  But if you stick with your treatment plan, you will get better. 

Do not give up.
Do not stay silent about your struggles. 
Know that you are not alone. 
Know that it can look differently for each person, if you don't feel right, seek help. 
Thank you.